Faith 4 Sale

So its been almost a month since my last post.  I don’t really have an excuse, all I can say is that I’ve been in a bit of a funk.  As my dear friend Kelley says, I have a case of the fear and loathing.  For all you that aren’t in the know, this is when you want to escape from yourself, but for obvious reasons, can’t, so you end up participating in such self destructive behaviors as eating a bottle of hot sauce, preferably sriracha, in one sitting.  Also, you stop being productive.  Usually it’ll pass after a few days, but this time its been going on for almost a month with no end in sight.  I would say I’ll be back tomorrow, but I’m not sure if that’s true, so check back periodically, cause the best I can promise is that I will be back soon.  Hopefully.

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Next up in the search for a religion is Theravada Buddhism.  We are reaching familiar territory for me as I am Indian and have been surrounded by Hinduism and Buddhism my whole life.  Buddhism is an offshoot of Hinduism and originated in India.  It has the same basic principles but removes God.  I am being vague on purpose as there are many different types of Buddhists and I am only supposed to consider the Theravada Buddhists in my evaluation.  To do this, I will have to do more research on the matter.  More to come.  I will say this before I go- “To be is to suffer,” is one of the main truths in both these religions.  Um, thanks, for stating the obvious.  

I got my red blood cell boosting shot today.  I know that it helps and I feel a lot better every time I get it, but damn does that shot hurt like hell.  It burns inside my vein.  Its a very strange and entirely unpleasant 3 seconds that I dread every two weeks. I know that 3 seconds is not really anything, but damn thats a very long and hurty 3 seconds.  Which brings me to time.  It has always amazed me how easily the perception of time fluctuates based on likes and dislikes, and pain and joy.  A vacation goes by so quickly, whereas the work day can drag on forever.  A summer full of beautiful afternoons goes by in a blink of an eye, but one snowy day in December seems to continue on and on.  I know that time is a delicate illusion that could be broken, well, anytime, but I hold on to it.  I measure my life in it and I am always running out of it.   I think a lot about time.  I think about all the time that has passed and all the time that has yet to come.  I think of all that I have done in that time and all that I could have done if I had more time.  Sometimes time passes me by and I am late.  Time waits for no one, it keeps moving and either you move with it or you get left behind.  

I don’t know why I decided to share my obsession with time on this blog, but here you go.  Tomorrow we talk about Theravada Buddhism in detail.

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July 29th was my birthday.  I like birthdays, for me they mean that I made it another year and I don’t even mind getting older.  Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, and my favorite one was from my friend Kelley’s daughter Hannah.  She sang me happy birthday on my answering machine and then again live when I called back.  She’s 5.  It made my day.  Other than that my birthday was uneventful, just how I like it.  No blood tests, no doctors, no bullshit.  Yay for Birthdays!  

Its been a while since I posted mainly because I’ve been ill.  Lately, each time I get sick, it gets harder to recover.  Its been 2.5 weeks and I’m still getting better.  I decided against going to the hospital because there is nothing that they can do for me that I am not already doing at home.  Due to the fact that I have been sick, I haven’t done much so there isn’t much to talk about.  Lars and I are looking for a house which is hectic to say the least.  As I am feeling better, I’m sure the next blog will be more eventful!

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“Ethical, or secular humanism is a humanist philosophy that upholds reason, ethics, and justice, and specifically rejects the supernatural and the spiritual as the basis of moral reflection and decision-making. Like other types of humanism, secular humanism is a life stance that focuses on the way human beings can lead good, happy and functional lives”. -wikipedia

As good as that sounds, the whole point here is to be guaranteed a nice, happy after/next life.  How can I do that without the supernatural?  I can’t.  Secular humanism is basically atheists that like social gatherings.  I would probably be all about this if I was healthy.  Unfortunately the sick like me have to worry constantly about what’s next so that what we have now can suck a little less.  I don’t want my pain to have been for nothing.  I want the pay off.  

“Humanists endorse universal morality based on the commonality of human nature, and that knowledge of right and wrong is based on our best understanding of our individual and joint interests, rather than stemming from a transcendental or arbitrarily local source, therefore rejecting faith completely as a basis for action. The humanist ethics goal is a search for viable individual, social and political principles of conduct, judging them on their ability to enhance human well-being and individual responsibility, ultimately eliminating human suffering”.- wikipedia

I have a few problems with this.  The first being that I don’t trust human nature.  Humans are fickle and easily swayed when it comes to right or wrong.  Honestly, I just don’t trust people to do the right thing if no one is watching.  I will say as a former atheist, I did always try to be a good person, but if I fell short, I wasn’t so hard on myself, it wasn’t as if I was doomed to hell or anything.  As wonderful as this sounds, without hell there is no heaven.  Without God, there is no reincarnation.  As cheated as I feel with this life, I refuse to accept that.  I want a do-over.  The second problem with human nature is we don’t learn without suffering.  Contentment leads to laziness. If there was no human suffering, then what exactly would we learn from?  What would we fix?  What would we derive motivation from?  We wouldn’t.  People are fueled by the need to fix.  If there was nothing wrong, we would die from boredom. We thrive on drama.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, just turn on your evening news.  That my friends, is human nature, do you really want to bet on that?

I like the ideas of secular humanism.  If I weren’t dying, I’d probably be a secular humanist.  However, I am dying and as a terminally ill person, I don’t have the luxury of not believing.  I have to believe that there is something better out there, cause if there isn’t then, well,  why the fuck am I living with this much pain?  Seriously?  If there is no point, then it just seems kinda silly to keep living like this, doesn’t it?  A lifetime of suck, with no pay-off?  I hope not. 

I think its safe to say that I would be a secular humanist if I weren’t ill, but since I am ill, I don’t think that this is what I am looking for.  I am looking for a faith that can guarantee me a second chance.  So as much as I like the idea of secular humanism, I think I’ll have to pass on it for now.

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So.  All Star week went well.  If there is one thing that we love here in St. Louis, its baseball, and the whole town showed up to party.  It was wonderful to be a part of it and to see St. Louis at its best.  I enjoyed being at the game as well, but would have preferred not losing for the 13th year in a row.

In more personal news, the test results for my transplant are in.  At this time, I do not have a match that I can use.  I had 2 matches in the first round of testing, but neither is going to work out at this time.  One person cannot donate due to personal reasons, and the other person is not a good match, but usable as a last resort.  So what does that mean?  It means that my next 5 are about to go in for testing, and if no one matches, I have 5 more.  Hopefully in the 10 people that I have left, I will find an acceptable match.  If not, at least we tried, right?  As for the cadaver list, I am officially on it but the wait time for that list is 5-10 years, so I’m not holding my breath on that.  Thanks to everyone that was tested and everyone that is willing to get tested.  I appreciate everything you are doing and am constantly blown away by your limitless generosity.  

Other than that, I was in California for a brief time this month visiting two of my friends, Gina and Hannah.  Gina lives in Fresno, which is hotter than hell.  I had forgotten what 108 degrees felt like.  It feels like burning, just in case you were wondering. I am glad I packed my SPF white girl for the trip.  Temperature aside, I had a blast.  Gina and I stayed up late and caught up on the last 10 years.  The second part of the trip Gina and I drove 3 hours in her mini to meet up with Hannah in San Francisco.  I was excited to see Hannah, who gave us a fantastic tour,  and I fell in love with the city.  Thank you both for a wonderful memory:)  I am glad that I was able to see you, and to see that the last 10 years have treated you well. 

My next bid for religion was Ethical Humanism.  This is more of an idea than an actual organized religion, but I will read up on it tonight and be ready to discuss tomorrow!

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I have been really busy.  First it was All-Star week, then my trip to the west coast.  Also, I got my test results.  I have no time to blog right now, but I promise all of this will be discussed in the next few days.  In other news, my dear friends Satyen and Sarah Vora just had their baby boy Rohan yesterday.  Congrats to you both!  Sorry for the incredibly long delay in posts- July has been a crazy month.  I just wanted to let you know I haven’t forgotten about you, my readers.

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Since the last time I blogged, I have been evaluated for transplant.  The evaluation went well, I was told that I would pass, meaning that the doctors have decided that I am indeed in need of a transplant and that I would benefit from it.  During the classes I felt uneasy and unsure if this was the right thing to do.  I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I’m not sure that I can do this.  When a person is diagnosed with a terminal disease, it becomes the focal point of their lives.  It is the only thing there is.  The fight against death becomes all consuming, and it is a terrible way to live.  Actually, its not living, its being alive.  I am alive, but I stopped living a long time ago. Being alive is going through the motions of life, eating, breathing, but without actually experiencing life.  Living is everything else you do.  I don’t do anything,  I have too many restrictions.  I am alive because you want me to be.  If that wasn’t the case, I would have died a long time ago.  I have done 2 rounds of chemo already in my life, each one 2 years long, and I would have not done the second round if it wasn’t for my family and friends.  That may not be what you want to read, but it is the truth.  So the question is am I doing this transplant for me or am I doing it for you?

I have always maintained that a terminal illness is harder for the people that have to watch rather than the person that has it.  As difficult as it is for me, there is eventually an end.  I don’t have to let go.  I don’t have to sit on the sidelines and watch someone I love deteriorate and die.  I don’t have to miss them when they are gone.   In that regard I am lucky.   My pain is physical and it will end with my life.  My hope is that you will remember me as I was before my illness, when I was happy, when we were happy together, not as I am now, tired, beaten, and hollow.  

I don’t know what the right answer is.  I know that if I take this transplant and it doesn’t work, then I am done.  I will not seek any other treatment.  If I decide that I don’t want to take this transplant and to live out what life I have left, I hope that you will support my decision whether or not you agree with it, and that we can make some good memories in the time I have left.  If I decide to take this transplant, and it works, then great, we can all move on.  I don’t want to die, however, I’m tired of being alive and not living.  Its cruel.  I want to live and I will not accept any less.  I’m sorry.

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Isn’t just a Bowie song anymore.  There have been a lot of changes since the last time I blogged.  My baby cousin is married- Congrats Petey and Anshu!  Aside from that, Michael Jackson is dead, and they are trying to ban smoking in St. Louis.  Also, I have my tests to determine if I am a match for any of my donors on July 2. 

The wedding weekend went off without a hitch and was fantastic.  The weather in Connecticut was a cool and breezy 70, which was a nice change from the humid 99 I left behind in St. Louis.  While in CT, I got saw the news that MJ was dead, suddenly, at 50.  Everyone knows that this man had a lot of personal issues, but that does not take away from the fact that he entertained us all for 45 out of those 50 years.  I was appalled to see the horrible things that people were saying on twitter and facebook just minutes after his death was announced.  It just seemed…tasteless.  That being said, RIP MJ.

The possible smoking ban in St. Louis has been causing quite a stir.  Both sides feel very strongly about their views.  My thought on the subject is simple-segregation.  There should be both types of places-non-smoking and smoking.  If the ban goes through, I’ll make money off of it by starting a members only smoking club.  A safe haven for people who choose to smoke.  Membership will be a monthly fee and you can come in and smoke to your hearts content.  Cigars, cigarettes, hookas, pipes, etc.  If you don’t want to smoke or breathe in second hand smoke, use your common sense and don’t come.  I also think that smoking cessation options should be available to all at no or little cost.  Why?  Because it is one of the hardest addictions to overcome and after decades of allowing people to get addicted to a product, it is unreasonable to assume that people will just stop on their own accord, now that we’ve decided to ban it.  Unfortunately, this is a very costly alternative.  You might be asking yourself, as a non  smoker, why am I responsible for the addiction that they chose?  No one forced them to smoke.  That is true, however, you are responsible for wanting a non-smoking world.  If that is truly what you want, then with it comes the burden of solving the problem we have all created together by allowing cigarettes in the first place.  Alcohol is terrible for you.  We all know how that ban worked out.  Fast food is horrible for you.  Heart disease is the number 1 killer in the US.  Should we ban cheeseburgers?  How about BBQ?  Smoked foods are know to have carcinogens.  The fact of the matter is this- people do things that are bad for them all the time.  Personally I think smoking is horrible for you and if you can, you should quit, or never begin in the first place.  But if you do, know that you will always be welcome in my smoking lounge.

The donor testing happens this Thursday!  Its an all day event from 7:30am to 4pm, I am nervous, so wish me luck!

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The question that I get asked the most is “Why are you writing this blog?”  At first, I was going to answer with my usual sarcasm, but after much reconsideration, I decided to answer sincerely.  There are 2 reasons so read carefully, I’m only going to discuss them once.

1) I have always been doubtful of religion and have wanted to explore it and find out why people believe what they believe.  I had always put it off for another time, but after I got sick time began to run out and I decided that now was better than never.

2) I am a very private person and it is very difficult for me to talk about myself.  I do not like to feel vulnerable and exposed but there are things that I would like to share with the people I care for, but knowing myself, I will never say them in person.  With this blog, I can write them down allowing you, the reader, in to my world, without the awkwardness of an actual conversation.  Honestly, we all know I am going to die sooner than later.  I know it.  You know it.  My family and friends  have to deal with it and come to terms with the fact that time is running out.  My hope is that when I am gone, if you miss me, you can come back here and reread this blog and know that my life was perfect exactly as it was because of all of you.  My parents, brother, husband and friends are what made my life and I am grateful to have had you all in it.  I hope that when you come back here, you will remember me and smile.  

There I said it.  Its pretty simple, and now you know.

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I know on June 8th I said there would be more bloggy goodness tomorrow, and there hasn’t been any until now…sorry.  I’ve been busy playing catch up after 8 days in the hospital.  Unfortunately, life just doesn’t stop, even when I really, really need it too, and I ask it to super-duper nicely.  That being said, my apologies and I should be able to blog more frequently now.

I would like to thank all the people that gave me info on the Quakers.  I did some reading, and I have to say I have a problem.  My problem is the constant referring to everyone as a “friend.” Everyone is not my “friend.”  I know this.  I’ve met a lot of people that I dislike immediately or vice versa.  I use the term “friend” sparingly.  I know a lot of people, but only a select few get to be called “friend.”  This label is quite important to me, as my friends might eventually save my life.  I take it very seriously and giving it away to everyone seems, to me, to cheapen it.  For instance, the guy who shot the guards at the holocaust museum, not my “friend.”  Young republicans, for the most part, not my “friends.”  Racists in general, not my “friends.”  Also, Sarah Palin is NOT my “friend.”  I could go on, but I think you get my point.  There are many people that don’t get to be my “friend” and I don’t want to go around referring to everyone as such, if I did, I’d be a liar, and here at faith4sale.com we don’t like to lie.  All of that aside, I am still planning on attending a service, but with the adamant refusal to refer to anyone as my “friend” until they have earned the title- just like everyone else that has it.  

In other news, I am still looking for a house and house hunting sucks.  I hate all the bullshit required with buying a house.  I will be spending another beautiful saturday afternoon invading other people’s personal space as I try to determine if it is good enough to become my future personal space.  It sounds kinda weird when I put it that way, doesn’t it?  Well, it is weird.  I’ll keep you posted as to what happens with that, because I’m sure you care.

In other, other news, transplant is really slacking.  None of my out of towners have gotten their blood collecting vials.  WTF?  They turned in their paperwork, talked to my transplant coordinator, who said they would be receiving the vials, and then nothing.  Then more nothing.  Um, I don’t mean to be a bitch, but my creatinine is up to 8.3.  My kidneys are failing at warp speed here and I’d really appreciate it if we could get moving on this, it would be really, really awesome to be alive for the new year my dear transplant team.  So lets get’em their vials, k?  THANKS.

Well that is all the news for today.  Perhaps there will be a special weekend edition update this weekend, perhaps not?  Who can tell these things?

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