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“Ethical, or secular humanism is a humanist philosophy that upholds reason, ethics, and justice, and specifically rejects the supernatural and the spiritual as the basis of moral reflection and decision-making. Like other types of humanism, secular humanism is a life stance that focuses on the way human beings can lead good, happy and functional lives”. -wikipedia

As good as that sounds, the whole point here is to be guaranteed a nice, happy after/next life.  How can I do that without the supernatural?  I can’t.  Secular humanism is basically atheists that like social gatherings.  I would probably be all about this if I was healthy.  Unfortunately the sick like me have to worry constantly about what’s next so that what we have now can suck a little less.  I don’t want my pain to have been for nothing.  I want the pay off.  

“Humanists endorse universal morality based on the commonality of human nature, and that knowledge of right and wrong is based on our best understanding of our individual and joint interests, rather than stemming from a transcendental or arbitrarily local source, therefore rejecting faith completely as a basis for action. The humanist ethics goal is a search for viable individual, social and political principles of conduct, judging them on their ability to enhance human well-being and individual responsibility, ultimately eliminating human suffering”.- wikipedia

I have a few problems with this.  The first being that I don’t trust human nature.  Humans are fickle and easily swayed when it comes to right or wrong.  Honestly, I just don’t trust people to do the right thing if no one is watching.  I will say as a former atheist, I did always try to be a good person, but if I fell short, I wasn’t so hard on myself, it wasn’t as if I was doomed to hell or anything.  As wonderful as this sounds, without hell there is no heaven.  Without God, there is no reincarnation.  As cheated as I feel with this life, I refuse to accept that.  I want a do-over.  The second problem with human nature is we don’t learn without suffering.  Contentment leads to laziness. If there was no human suffering, then what exactly would we learn from?  What would we fix?  What would we derive motivation from?  We wouldn’t.  People are fueled by the need to fix.  If there was nothing wrong, we would die from boredom. We thrive on drama.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, just turn on your evening news.  That my friends, is human nature, do you really want to bet on that?

I like the ideas of secular humanism.  If I weren’t dying, I’d probably be a secular humanist.  However, I am dying and as a terminally ill person, I don’t have the luxury of not believing.  I have to believe that there is something better out there, cause if there isn’t then, well,  why the fuck am I living with this much pain?  Seriously?  If there is no point, then it just seems kinda silly to keep living like this, doesn’t it?  A lifetime of suck, with no pay-off?  I hope not. 

I think its safe to say that I would be a secular humanist if I weren’t ill, but since I am ill, I don’t think that this is what I am looking for.  I am looking for a faith that can guarantee me a second chance.  So as much as I like the idea of secular humanism, I think I’ll have to pass on it for now.

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So.  All Star week went well.  If there is one thing that we love here in St. Louis, its baseball, and the whole town showed up to party.  It was wonderful to be a part of it and to see St. Louis at its best.  I enjoyed being at the game as well, but would have preferred not losing for the 13th year in a row.

In more personal news, the test results for my transplant are in.  At this time, I do not have a match that I can use.  I had 2 matches in the first round of testing, but neither is going to work out at this time.  One person cannot donate due to personal reasons, and the other person is not a good match, but usable as a last resort.  So what does that mean?  It means that my next 5 are about to go in for testing, and if no one matches, I have 5 more.  Hopefully in the 10 people that I have left, I will find an acceptable match.  If not, at least we tried, right?  As for the cadaver list, I am officially on it but the wait time for that list is 5-10 years, so I’m not holding my breath on that.  Thanks to everyone that was tested and everyone that is willing to get tested.  I appreciate everything you are doing and am constantly blown away by your limitless generosity.  

Other than that, I was in California for a brief time this month visiting two of my friends, Gina and Hannah.  Gina lives in Fresno, which is hotter than hell.  I had forgotten what 108 degrees felt like.  It feels like burning, just in case you were wondering. I am glad I packed my SPF white girl for the trip.  Temperature aside, I had a blast.  Gina and I stayed up late and caught up on the last 10 years.  The second part of the trip Gina and I drove 3 hours in her mini to meet up with Hannah in San Francisco.  I was excited to see Hannah, who gave us a fantastic tour,  and I fell in love with the city.  Thank you both for a wonderful memory:)  I am glad that I was able to see you, and to see that the last 10 years have treated you well. 

My next bid for religion was Ethical Humanism.  This is more of an idea than an actual organized religion, but I will read up on it tonight and be ready to discuss tomorrow!

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I have been really busy.  First it was All-Star week, then my trip to the west coast.  Also, I got my test results.  I have no time to blog right now, but I promise all of this will be discussed in the next few days.  In other news, my dear friends Satyen and Sarah Vora just had their baby boy Rohan yesterday.  Congrats to you both!  Sorry for the incredibly long delay in posts- July has been a crazy month.  I just wanted to let you know I haven’t forgotten about you, my readers.

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Since the last time I blogged, I have been evaluated for transplant.  The evaluation went well, I was told that I would pass, meaning that the doctors have decided that I am indeed in need of a transplant and that I would benefit from it.  During the classes I felt uneasy and unsure if this was the right thing to do.  I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I’m not sure that I can do this.  When a person is diagnosed with a terminal disease, it becomes the focal point of their lives.  It is the only thing there is.  The fight against death becomes all consuming, and it is a terrible way to live.  Actually, its not living, its being alive.  I am alive, but I stopped living a long time ago. Being alive is going through the motions of life, eating, breathing, but without actually experiencing life.  Living is everything else you do.  I don’t do anything,  I have too many restrictions.  I am alive because you want me to be.  If that wasn’t the case, I would have died a long time ago.  I have done 2 rounds of chemo already in my life, each one 2 years long, and I would have not done the second round if it wasn’t for my family and friends.  That may not be what you want to read, but it is the truth.  So the question is am I doing this transplant for me or am I doing it for you?

I have always maintained that a terminal illness is harder for the people that have to watch rather than the person that has it.  As difficult as it is for me, there is eventually an end.  I don’t have to let go.  I don’t have to sit on the sidelines and watch someone I love deteriorate and die.  I don’t have to miss them when they are gone.   In that regard I am lucky.   My pain is physical and it will end with my life.  My hope is that you will remember me as I was before my illness, when I was happy, when we were happy together, not as I am now, tired, beaten, and hollow.  

I don’t know what the right answer is.  I know that if I take this transplant and it doesn’t work, then I am done.  I will not seek any other treatment.  If I decide that I don’t want to take this transplant and to live out what life I have left, I hope that you will support my decision whether or not you agree with it, and that we can make some good memories in the time I have left.  If I decide to take this transplant, and it works, then great, we can all move on.  I don’t want to die, however, I’m tired of being alive and not living.  Its cruel.  I want to live and I will not accept any less.  I’m sorry.

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