Faith 4 Sale

Isn’t just a Bowie song anymore.  There have been a lot of changes since the last time I blogged.  My baby cousin is married- Congrats Petey and Anshu!  Aside from that, Michael Jackson is dead, and they are trying to ban smoking in St. Louis.  Also, I have my tests to determine if I am a match for any of my donors on July 2. 

The wedding weekend went off without a hitch and was fantastic.  The weather in Connecticut was a cool and breezy 70, which was a nice change from the humid 99 I left behind in St. Louis.  While in CT, I got saw the news that MJ was dead, suddenly, at 50.  Everyone knows that this man had a lot of personal issues, but that does not take away from the fact that he entertained us all for 45 out of those 50 years.  I was appalled to see the horrible things that people were saying on twitter and facebook just minutes after his death was announced.  It just seemed…tasteless.  That being said, RIP MJ.

The possible smoking ban in St. Louis has been causing quite a stir.  Both sides feel very strongly about their views.  My thought on the subject is simple-segregation.  There should be both types of places-non-smoking and smoking.  If the ban goes through, I’ll make money off of it by starting a members only smoking club.  A safe haven for people who choose to smoke.  Membership will be a monthly fee and you can come in and smoke to your hearts content.  Cigars, cigarettes, hookas, pipes, etc.  If you don’t want to smoke or breathe in second hand smoke, use your common sense and don’t come.  I also think that smoking cessation options should be available to all at no or little cost.  Why?  Because it is one of the hardest addictions to overcome and after decades of allowing people to get addicted to a product, it is unreasonable to assume that people will just stop on their own accord, now that we’ve decided to ban it.  Unfortunately, this is a very costly alternative.  You might be asking yourself, as a non  smoker, why am I responsible for the addiction that they chose?  No one forced them to smoke.  That is true, however, you are responsible for wanting a non-smoking world.  If that is truly what you want, then with it comes the burden of solving the problem we have all created together by allowing cigarettes in the first place.  Alcohol is terrible for you.  We all know how that ban worked out.  Fast food is horrible for you.  Heart disease is the number 1 killer in the US.  Should we ban cheeseburgers?  How about BBQ?  Smoked foods are know to have carcinogens.  The fact of the matter is this- people do things that are bad for them all the time.  Personally I think smoking is horrible for you and if you can, you should quit, or never begin in the first place.  But if you do, know that you will always be welcome in my smoking lounge.

The donor testing happens this Thursday!  Its an all day event from 7:30am to 4pm, I am nervous, so wish me luck!

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The question that I get asked the most is “Why are you writing this blog?”  At first, I was going to answer with my usual sarcasm, but after much reconsideration, I decided to answer sincerely.  There are 2 reasons so read carefully, I’m only going to discuss them once.

1) I have always been doubtful of religion and have wanted to explore it and find out why people believe what they believe.  I had always put it off for another time, but after I got sick time began to run out and I decided that now was better than never.

2) I am a very private person and it is very difficult for me to talk about myself.  I do not like to feel vulnerable and exposed but there are things that I would like to share with the people I care for, but knowing myself, I will never say them in person.  With this blog, I can write them down allowing you, the reader, in to my world, without the awkwardness of an actual conversation.  Honestly, we all know I am going to die sooner than later.  I know it.  You know it.  My family and friends  have to deal with it and come to terms with the fact that time is running out.  My hope is that when I am gone, if you miss me, you can come back here and reread this blog and know that my life was perfect exactly as it was because of all of you.  My parents, brother, husband and friends are what made my life and I am grateful to have had you all in it.  I hope that when you come back here, you will remember me and smile.  

There I said it.  Its pretty simple, and now you know.

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I know on June 8th I said there would be more bloggy goodness tomorrow, and there hasn’t been any until now…sorry.  I’ve been busy playing catch up after 8 days in the hospital.  Unfortunately, life just doesn’t stop, even when I really, really need it too, and I ask it to super-duper nicely.  That being said, my apologies and I should be able to blog more frequently now.

I would like to thank all the people that gave me info on the Quakers.  I did some reading, and I have to say I have a problem.  My problem is the constant referring to everyone as a “friend.” Everyone is not my “friend.”  I know this.  I’ve met a lot of people that I dislike immediately or vice versa.  I use the term “friend” sparingly.  I know a lot of people, but only a select few get to be called “friend.”  This label is quite important to me, as my friends might eventually save my life.  I take it very seriously and giving it away to everyone seems, to me, to cheapen it.  For instance, the guy who shot the guards at the holocaust museum, not my “friend.”  Young republicans, for the most part, not my “friends.”  Racists in general, not my “friends.”  Also, Sarah Palin is NOT my “friend.”  I could go on, but I think you get my point.  There are many people that don’t get to be my “friend” and I don’t want to go around referring to everyone as such, if I did, I’d be a liar, and here at faith4sale.com we don’t like to lie.  All of that aside, I am still planning on attending a service, but with the adamant refusal to refer to anyone as my “friend” until they have earned the title- just like everyone else that has it.  

In other news, I am still looking for a house and house hunting sucks.  I hate all the bullshit required with buying a house.  I will be spending another beautiful saturday afternoon invading other people’s personal space as I try to determine if it is good enough to become my future personal space.  It sounds kinda weird when I put it that way, doesn’t it?  Well, it is weird.  I’ll keep you posted as to what happens with that, because I’m sure you care.

In other, other news, transplant is really slacking.  None of my out of towners have gotten their blood collecting vials.  WTF?  They turned in their paperwork, talked to my transplant coordinator, who said they would be receiving the vials, and then nothing.  Then more nothing.  Um, I don’t mean to be a bitch, but my creatinine is up to 8.3.  My kidneys are failing at warp speed here and I’d really appreciate it if we could get moving on this, it would be really, really awesome to be alive for the new year my dear transplant team.  So lets get’em their vials, k?  THANKS.

Well that is all the news for today.  Perhaps there will be a special weekend edition update this weekend, perhaps not?  Who can tell these things?

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8 days in the hospital is 8 days too many.  Let’s talk about my time at St. John’s Mercy Medical Center.  I don’t know what happened to me a few days into my hospitalization but I became absloutely horrible to deal with.  I don’t remember this, but I was filled in over the weekend by my family and friends.  They seem to think that I had a reaction to Ativan, an anti-anxiety drug I was on because hospitals creep me out.  I would get the medication, pass out for a few minutes, wake up and be very hostile.  If I did not get that medication I was fine.  The weird thing is I remember none of it.  I actually don’t remember most of my stay.  I had to reread my blog posts, because I have no recollection of writing them.  Wow.  Lots of typos but I think they still sounded like me, albeit less coherent.  I want to apologize to my family and friends that had to deal with Ativan Aarti, because she’s a real bitch.  I hope you will forgive me for my rudeness and angry outbursts.  

Surprisingly though, as far as hospitals go, St. John’s was pretty ok.  The docs were all very competent as well as had good bedside manner, which I find is very rare.  The food was terrible, but I couldn’t eat it anyway so it didn’t matter.  The nursing staff was exceptional.  All in all, I give St. John’s two thumbs up.  

Other than that, I am happy to be home and back to normal, or at least what is normal for me.  Also, my blog posts should be coherent again:)  Good Lord, Dilaudid makes me stupid, but hey, it gets rid of the pain so I’m not complaining.  Lastly, I need to figure out where to go for a Quaker service in St. Louis.  If anyone knows, please let me know, otherwise I will turn to the internet for advice.  More bloggy goodness tomorrow, I promise!

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Before we begin, I had asked you, if I should continue blogging?   The overwhelming response was yes, so here I am.  

Tonight’s blog is about loss.  Not the kind of loss that is felt when you lose at a game of chess, when you lose a job, or even when you lose faith.  These are temporary losses, ones that can be recovered. The kind of loss that I am speaking of is permanent.  The loss of a pet, the loss of innocence, loss of a loved one, or loss of life.  

I started thinking about loss on this recent stint to the hospital.  My husband, Lars, of all people got me thinking about it.  You see each time he walks into my hospital room and I look into his eyes, I see loss.  I see the loss of the joy of the the first two years of our marriage, the loss of children that we will never have, the loss of our lifetime together that will never occur.  I see the loss of all of our hopes and dreams.  

Yet he smiles, tells me he loves me, and if I could just not look into his eyes, I might be able to pretend like everything is okay.  I know he loves me, there is no question to that.  I  just find myself wondering what would be a bigger loss- if I left him now and gave him a chance to find someone else while he’s young, get remarried, and live the life we had dreamed about, only with someone else, or the loss of losing him when I die?

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