Faith 4 Sale

So…today was not a good day.  I found out that my donor may not be able to give me a kidney.  He went through the last part of the testing process this morning only to find out that he has kidney stones.  If the stones turn out to be acute, then we go ahead with the surgery.  If this turns out to be a chronic problem, it’s a no go.  I won’t know anything for at least a week, but best case scenario we are looking at the beginning of March, worst case scenario we have to start the testing process all over for someone else.  And to think, I was so excited about the ipad this morning…

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Happy New Year!  This year started off with a bang.  Synergy pulled off a 9 event new years without a hitch.  Our first event of the year is a private party to celebrate Whitey Herzog getting inducted into the Hall of Fame.  Following this is my surgery in the beginning of February.  I will be in New York for a few days in the middle of March working on a project, which always makes me happy as it is my favorite city in the US.  Then on to Copenhagen and London. All in all, 2010 is starting off quite nicely.

Over the holidays I got to see Mitch, Gina, Jason and Kai.  For Mitch, it had been well over 10 years. The thing I remember about Mitch, and this still holds true, was that he was genuinely kind to everyone, always.  Let’s not wait that long to see each other again, ok?  Seriously though, it was great to see you all.  You have been missed.

2010 comes with the promise of new beginnings, and for me that comes in the form of a new kidney.  As of now we are looking at the 2nd week of February for the transplant.   As excited as I am at the prospect of getting my life back, I find myself getting more and more apprehensive as time passes.  I realize that I don’t really have an option, but I fear that if this operation fails it will take with it the last bit of hope I have left.  I know if it fails, that disappointment will be too much for me.  The last three years have been…excruciating.  My only desire for this year is that one way or another this nightmare is over.  For all of you, I wish the best of health, for without it there truly is nothing.

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So Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  You didn’t really think that you’d get out of reading a thanksgiving post, did you?  Oh, you did?  Silly rabbit.

My list isn’t long, but I have a lot to be thankful for and topping that list is: I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING KIDNEY!  Sorry, I’m a selfish bitch and living makes me happier than anything/anyone else.  It is tentative, and barring any complications I should have a functioning transplant early next year.  This is still contingent on my potential donor passing a few more tests.  So all you people that got tested are still possibly in the running but I am much closer than I have been so I’m happy.  Next on this list is my family.  My parents, brother and Lars have basically carried my sorry ass through the last three years.  I would not be here without your love and support.  Words will never be able to express how much you mean to me.  Along with my family, I also have the best friends a girl could have.  Cesare, Fenik, Kelley, Maureen, Deanna, Maggie, Dave, Kris, Melanie and all the rest of you have at one point or another, knowingly or not, saved my life.  There have been countless times that I have felt like giving up and each one of you has reminded me exactly why that is not an option.  I could not do it without you.  All the people that came out of the woodwork and got tested for me-thank you.  Your kindness and love does not go unnoticed.  In fact, it has restored my faith in people, something that I had lost long ago.  I am excited to see what my new life will bring and I am very grateful to have a chance to spend more time with all of you.

Well, that’s it.  Apparently my illness has made me into a sentimental little girl.  Who knew?

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I have been super, super busy lately.  I haven’t had any time to blog and don’t really have the time now.  Here are the highlights of what is going on in my life, just to keep you all up to date: 1) The transplant should happen early next year if everything works out as planned.  2) Until then, I will  be super busy with Synergy.  3) I still haven’t found a religion I like, but am continuing my search. 4) I am starting a film review site that has been postponed but I will announce it here, on twitter and facebook as soon as it is up and running. 5) GO SEE UP IN THE AIR.  6) Do NOT see New Moon. (Saw it at the press screening, wanted to shoot myself in the face from beginning to end.) 7) I hope to write a new “real” blog post as soon as I have a moment to do so.

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I have been gone for two weeks and while I was hoping to report that the fear and loathing would have left me by now, I can’t.  I still have it.  The good thing is that October and November are so busy that I have no time to indulge the fear and loathing with hot sauce.  This month alone, I have fashion week, an event in New York, and Curiosity.  That’s added to the normal events.  Other than that I am about to launch a new website.  It has been delayed for a bit due to technical difficulties, but needs to be up no later than the end of the month.  More on that in the coming week.  As for religion-I’m still meditating on Buddism.  I WILL be back next week.  That’s a promise.  Fear and loathing be damned.

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So its been almost a month since my last post.  I don’t really have an excuse, all I can say is that I’ve been in a bit of a funk.  As my dear friend Kelley says, I have a case of the fear and loathing.  For all you that aren’t in the know, this is when you want to escape from yourself, but for obvious reasons, can’t, so you end up participating in such self destructive behaviors as eating a bottle of hot sauce, preferably sriracha, in one sitting.  Also, you stop being productive.  Usually it’ll pass after a few days, but this time its been going on for almost a month with no end in sight.  I would say I’ll be back tomorrow, but I’m not sure if that’s true, so check back periodically, cause the best I can promise is that I will be back soon.  Hopefully.

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Next up in the search for a religion is Theravada Buddhism.  We are reaching familiar territory for me as I am Indian and have been surrounded by Hinduism and Buddhism my whole life.  Buddhism is an offshoot of Hinduism and originated in India.  It has the same basic principles but removes God.  I am being vague on purpose as there are many different types of Buddhists and I am only supposed to consider the Theravada Buddhists in my evaluation.  To do this, I will have to do more research on the matter.  More to come.  I will say this before I go- “To be is to suffer,” is one of the main truths in both these religions.  Um, thanks, for stating the obvious.  

I got my red blood cell boosting shot today.  I know that it helps and I feel a lot better every time I get it, but damn does that shot hurt like hell.  It burns inside my vein.  Its a very strange and entirely unpleasant 3 seconds that I dread every two weeks. I know that 3 seconds is not really anything, but damn thats a very long and hurty 3 seconds.  Which brings me to time.  It has always amazed me how easily the perception of time fluctuates based on likes and dislikes, and pain and joy.  A vacation goes by so quickly, whereas the work day can drag on forever.  A summer full of beautiful afternoons goes by in a blink of an eye, but one snowy day in December seems to continue on and on.  I know that time is a delicate illusion that could be broken, well, anytime, but I hold on to it.  I measure my life in it and I am always running out of it.   I think a lot about time.  I think about all the time that has passed and all the time that has yet to come.  I think of all that I have done in that time and all that I could have done if I had more time.  Sometimes time passes me by and I am late.  Time waits for no one, it keeps moving and either you move with it or you get left behind.  

I don’t know why I decided to share my obsession with time on this blog, but here you go.  Tomorrow we talk about Theravada Buddhism in detail.

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July 29th was my birthday.  I like birthdays, for me they mean that I made it another year and I don’t even mind getting older.  Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, and my favorite one was from my friend Kelley’s daughter Hannah.  She sang me happy birthday on my answering machine and then again live when I called back.  She’s 5.  It made my day.  Other than that my birthday was uneventful, just how I like it.  No blood tests, no doctors, no bullshit.  Yay for Birthdays!  

Its been a while since I posted mainly because I’ve been ill.  Lately, each time I get sick, it gets harder to recover.  Its been 2.5 weeks and I’m still getting better.  I decided against going to the hospital because there is nothing that they can do for me that I am not already doing at home.  Due to the fact that I have been sick, I haven’t done much so there isn’t much to talk about.  Lars and I are looking for a house which is hectic to say the least.  As I am feeling better, I’m sure the next blog will be more eventful!

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“Ethical, or secular humanism is a humanist philosophy that upholds reason, ethics, and justice, and specifically rejects the supernatural and the spiritual as the basis of moral reflection and decision-making. Like other types of humanism, secular humanism is a life stance that focuses on the way human beings can lead good, happy and functional lives”. -wikipedia

As good as that sounds, the whole point here is to be guaranteed a nice, happy after/next life.  How can I do that without the supernatural?  I can’t.  Secular humanism is basically atheists that like social gatherings.  I would probably be all about this if I was healthy.  Unfortunately the sick like me have to worry constantly about what’s next so that what we have now can suck a little less.  I don’t want my pain to have been for nothing.  I want the pay off.  

“Humanists endorse universal morality based on the commonality of human nature, and that knowledge of right and wrong is based on our best understanding of our individual and joint interests, rather than stemming from a transcendental or arbitrarily local source, therefore rejecting faith completely as a basis for action. The humanist ethics goal is a search for viable individual, social and political principles of conduct, judging them on their ability to enhance human well-being and individual responsibility, ultimately eliminating human suffering”.- wikipedia

I have a few problems with this.  The first being that I don’t trust human nature.  Humans are fickle and easily swayed when it comes to right or wrong.  Honestly, I just don’t trust people to do the right thing if no one is watching.  I will say as a former atheist, I did always try to be a good person, but if I fell short, I wasn’t so hard on myself, it wasn’t as if I was doomed to hell or anything.  As wonderful as this sounds, without hell there is no heaven.  Without God, there is no reincarnation.  As cheated as I feel with this life, I refuse to accept that.  I want a do-over.  The second problem with human nature is we don’t learn without suffering.  Contentment leads to laziness. If there was no human suffering, then what exactly would we learn from?  What would we fix?  What would we derive motivation from?  We wouldn’t.  People are fueled by the need to fix.  If there was nothing wrong, we would die from boredom. We thrive on drama.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, just turn on your evening news.  That my friends, is human nature, do you really want to bet on that?

I like the ideas of secular humanism.  If I weren’t dying, I’d probably be a secular humanist.  However, I am dying and as a terminally ill person, I don’t have the luxury of not believing.  I have to believe that there is something better out there, cause if there isn’t then, well,  why the fuck am I living with this much pain?  Seriously?  If there is no point, then it just seems kinda silly to keep living like this, doesn’t it?  A lifetime of suck, with no pay-off?  I hope not. 

I think its safe to say that I would be a secular humanist if I weren’t ill, but since I am ill, I don’t think that this is what I am looking for.  I am looking for a faith that can guarantee me a second chance.  So as much as I like the idea of secular humanism, I think I’ll have to pass on it for now.

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So.  All Star week went well.  If there is one thing that we love here in St. Louis, its baseball, and the whole town showed up to party.  It was wonderful to be a part of it and to see St. Louis at its best.  I enjoyed being at the game as well, but would have preferred not losing for the 13th year in a row.

In more personal news, the test results for my transplant are in.  At this time, I do not have a match that I can use.  I had 2 matches in the first round of testing, but neither is going to work out at this time.  One person cannot donate due to personal reasons, and the other person is not a good match, but usable as a last resort.  So what does that mean?  It means that my next 5 are about to go in for testing, and if no one matches, I have 5 more.  Hopefully in the 10 people that I have left, I will find an acceptable match.  If not, at least we tried, right?  As for the cadaver list, I am officially on it but the wait time for that list is 5-10 years, so I’m not holding my breath on that.  Thanks to everyone that was tested and everyone that is willing to get tested.  I appreciate everything you are doing and am constantly blown away by your limitless generosity.  

Other than that, I was in California for a brief time this month visiting two of my friends, Gina and Hannah.  Gina lives in Fresno, which is hotter than hell.  I had forgotten what 108 degrees felt like.  It feels like burning, just in case you were wondering. I am glad I packed my SPF white girl for the trip.  Temperature aside, I had a blast.  Gina and I stayed up late and caught up on the last 10 years.  The second part of the trip Gina and I drove 3 hours in her mini to meet up with Hannah in San Francisco.  I was excited to see Hannah, who gave us a fantastic tour,  and I fell in love with the city.  Thank you both for a wonderful memory:)  I am glad that I was able to see you, and to see that the last 10 years have treated you well. 

My next bid for religion was Ethical Humanism.  This is more of an idea than an actual organized religion, but I will read up on it tonight and be ready to discuss tomorrow!

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